


The Sex House

by lucycamui



Series: The Victuuri Humor & Fluff Collection [6]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Comedy, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Humor, M/M, Phichit is a little shit, Romance, Social Media, for good reason, repeated use of the word "sex"
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-01
Updated: 2019-03-01
Packaged: 2019-11-07 18:26:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17965772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucycamui/pseuds/lucycamui
Summary: When Victor and Yuuri go house-hunting in Russia, they find their exact dream house... with one unique and unexpected feature.





	The Sex House

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GenuineFirefly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GenuineFirefly/gifts).



Yuuri had been ready to give up. When Victor had first suggested moving from his apartment to a house, Yuuri had not been sure what to think. It seemed that every time he got used to the idea that he was in a relationship with _the_ Victor Nikiforov, the reality would hit him again. Like it had in China after the kiss, like it had at the airport in Fukuoka when they had stood in the arrivals lobby, clinging onto each other. Like it had when he had passed through Russian immigration on a _fiancé_ visa. But he settled back into the normality each time, if he could call it that. The daze of house hunting with Victor had quickly turned from a daydream to a nightmare.

It was too much. They must have gone through at least a hundred listings inside and outside the city, picking out those which best matched their agreed specifications. They had both wanted a room which could be used as a studio or a gym, and Victor thought a yard for Makkachin to run around in would be ideal. A bathroom with a bath large enough to compare to the Hasetsu onsen was on Victor’s dream list. Yuuri had scribbled notes about a kitchen with an island at the center of it. The problem was that none of the places they went to look at worked for them.

The luxury apartments were far too upscale and golden for Yuuri’s tastes. In addition, he and Victor had decided to avoid another apartment building if they could help it. There had been enough occasions when they had been too eager to get home and, as a result, had gotten caught in a compromising position or two on the elevator. Trying to find an actual house inside the city was close to impossible and the few townhouses they had toured were either too small or lacked that yard for Makkachin.

They found what they thought was the perfect place, except a map check told them it would be a two-hour drive to the practice rink on an average day, congested by traffic. That was an instant disqualifier. Nothing else fit. Too small, too big, too far away, too expensive, too cheap. They had looked at a place that they thought they could make work, only to be told that it would not be available for at least a year and a half. They had not liked it enough to wait. Yuuri had started trying to convince Victor that their current place was just fine and that they really didn’t need to move.

Then a call had come in from their real estate agent, with information on a new listing. A house on Kamenny Island. It was bigger than they had specified and on the very upper end of the generous budget Victor had given, but it had everything. Yuuri had choked upon seeing a photo of the second floor atrium, with floor-to-ceiling windows, which would make for an absolutely perfect dance studio. In addition to beyond-spacious bathrooms, the basement floor had a pool and spa. Plus a wine cellar. Victor had gripped Yuuri’s arm tightly upon hearing that. There was enough land around it not just for Makkachin, but for a hundred and one puppies if they so wished.

A couple of the rooms had been stripped completely and would need total decorating, but that meant they could choose exactly how they wanted their home to look. They booked a viewing as soon as they possibly could.

Victor suggested they time the drive from the ice rink to their potential new home. Seventeen minutes. They were both already biting back smiles when they parked in front of the automatic gates, the spot shaded by the tall birch trees growing across the street.

“Wow,” Yuuri breathed as he stepped out. At a first glance, the house was gorgeous. A cream-colored façade with dark accents made for a modern look. According to the realtor, it had been built only two years prior but the owner had decided they wanted someplace bigger and more out in the countryside. Just from the outside, Yuuri could tell that he could invite his entire family, the Nishigoris and Minako over for New Year’s and still have room to spare. Victor had mentioned wanting more space for the occasional dinner party.

“It’s perf—”

“Don’t say it,” Yuuri hissed, slipping his hand into Victor’s as the realtor got out of her car which was parked in front of them. He did not want to go making those kinds of claims before they saw the inside or heard about some dirty little secret that spoiled the entire thing. Maybe it was haunted. Or affiliated with the mafia. Though, from the rumors he had heard at the ice rink, the Russian mafia adored Victor… Apparently the _Avtoritet_ was a big fan of Victor’s skating. “Not yet.”

The tour given by the realtor further cemented their resolve. Yuuri tried not to think about how many digits had been listed on the sale price, since Victor had insisted they could afford it. Or that Victor could afford it. Yuuri was still adjusting to the joint bank accounts which also had far too many digits in them. He had always known that Victor was wealthy, it had just been a couple of steps above his original estimates. Victor had told Yuuri that Chanel had paid him for the ad campaign after the lip balm incident. To Yuuri, five million euros seemed like an awful lot for some photos. Though there was a clause in the contract that dictated Victor and Yuuri use only Chanel-brand lip balm in public for an exclusivity period of three years. Perfectly fine by him.

The dining room had crystal chandeliers hanging above the table space, while the living areas on both the first and second floors had brick-built fireplaces. The master bedroom alone had the dimensions of Yuuri’s entire college apartment, the one he had shared with Phichit. The walk-in closet had enough space for Victor’s entire extended wardrobe, plus Yuuri’s limited one. Every detail was flawless. Even the couple of rooms that had been stripped were lit up by the sunlight flooding in through the huge windows and sliding glass doors. They could turn one of them into an office space, line the walls with bookshelves like Victor had mentioned wanting.

Yuuri kept waiting for the catch.

The below-ground pool was empty but pristine, lined in pearl marble and looking like it should have been featured in a magazine of restored Roman baths. Yuuri did not swim often, but Victor liked to visit the community pool not far from the rink for some low-impact exercise when his knees ached. This way, he would be able to do so at home. There was a jacuzzi too, and a dry sauna built into the back wall. Suddenly, Yuuri saw the appeal of a large bank account. Even if sensibility told him it was a bit too grand, he wanted this house.

The realtor then led them to the wine cellar, which she said was climate-controlled. Concerns about electricity were calmed by the fact that the roof was lined in solar-panels. They were reassured that if they stayed a household of two, the electricity bill would likely be nonexistent. Yuuri could feel Victor’s fingers twitching in his hand, likely itching to start signing purchase documents.

“There is one more room,” the realtor said as they made their way through the wine cellar, the wooden shelves currently empty. Yuuri could see them easily being filled on Chris’ first visit. “It was not on the original blueprints, as the previous owner added it later. It’s soundproof, so it can be repurposed as a music studio or a different type of workspace…”

Yuuri wondered what kind of music studio was positioned at the back of a wine cellar. The realtor turned the corner at the end of the shelves and pushed her palm against what seemed to be more or less a section of wall. Beside Yuuri, Victor inhaled sharply in excitement when a panel appeared and slid open to reveal a second door. The realtor took out the house keyring from her pocket and unlocked it, standing back so they could take a look inside.

It was not what Yuuri was expecting. He was not sure if it was better or worse than what he was expecting, but it definitely was that “but” he had been waiting for. The room was spacious and mostly empty, with cushioned red walls and padded flooring. He could have played dumb and called it a game room or lounge, if it were not for the distinct saltire cross which came complete with wrist and ankle restraints.

His attention snapping to Victor, Yuuri saw with horror that his husband appeared absolutely delighted. “Victor, no…”

“Yuuri, it’s a—”

“ _Not here_!” Yuuri hissed in Japanese, cutting him off. He was not about to have this conversation standing in the middle of what was clearly a _sex dungeon_ while their realtor waited for them just outside.

Victor was not discouraged, taking out his phone to snap photos. He was grinning from ear to ear as he walked around, pausing to admire the cross. “How do I look?” he asked, spreading his legs to assume the stance, lifting his arms to match the upper half of the cross.

Yuuri was not about to admit that Victor’s fair skin and silver hair were certainly dashing in contrast to the dark wall behind him. “We are not getting a house with a… _this_.”

Victor’s arms dropped and he pouted. “Why not? We could say it’s a yoga studio. For a very adventurous New Age type of yoga which focuses on… releasing certain… bodily stressors.”

A blush burned on Yuuri’s cheeks. He knew there was no hope here. He knew that if Victor was smiling that gorgeously now, he had absolutely no chance of resisting. Victor was going to convince him. Maybe not now, maybe not today. But by tomorrow, Yuuri would be pinned under his husband’s flawless body in their apartment, overstimulated and moaning by way of Victor’s skilled mouth and cock, begging Victor, _yes, please, let’s get that house, we have to, please, Vitusha_. The blush doubled in strength.

“Let’s, ummm… let’s talk about it first before we make any decisions, okay?” Yuuri said. They had to anyway, regardless of which decision they made. It was not like the house was perfect. Sure, it had everything they wanted, like that kitchen island, made of granite no less. Sure, the location was even better than they had originally thought possible. Sure, it was in the city and yet still offered privacy in the surrounding neighborhood. Sure, Yuuri could picture them living there with Makkachin and maybe a couple more poodle puppies, with the big yard and generous space and that atrium, wow, he was already envisioning them choreographing their next ice dance there under the warmth of the sunlight and—

Victor wrapped his arm around Yuuri’s waist and kissed his cheek, leading him back to the cellar. “Of course, darling. It’s a lot to think about.”

On their way out, the realtor asked for their opinion of the house and they were honest. They loved it, they said, they really did. They would get back to her with an answer in a few days.

Their drive back to the apartment went by in silence. Victor reached over, lacing his fingers through Yuuri’s at the last stoplight. They traded smiles and Yuuri’s resolve cracked further. There was only one real discussion to have.

“What are we going to do with a sex dungeon?!” Yuuri asked that evening over dinner. There was no denying what it was, not with how the realtor had avoided eye contact with them until they were back on the upper floors.

“Have sex in it?” Victor deadpanned, sneaking pieces of chicken to Makkachin under the table like he did every night. A horrible habit. Maybe Yuuri could punish it out of him in that sex dungeon.

“We don’t need to have sex in it when the rest of the house is that gorgeous.” Yuuri would prefer to have sex in that master bedroom, because he knew Victor would insist on buying them a bigger bed to suit the space. A four-poster, with a headboard that Yuuri could cling onto between competitions. Or in that walk-in closet, because it was big enough to fit a sofa inside. Or in the kitchen, bent over the granite countertops. Or in the dining room, underneath the glittering chandeliers. Or in the atrium, where Yuuri was already planning to install a barre for his ballet practice. Or in that heated pool. They had never been quite brave enough to try anything beyond very brief handjobs in the onsen.

“So you agree that it’s gorgeous?” Victor said, smiling. He rested his chin in the palm of his hand, doing that slow blink he did when he wanted something.

“Of course, it’s… so good,” Yuuri sighed, conflicted. He had spent the afternoon trying to talk himself out of it. It was big, it was expensive, it was so… so amazing. He loved the idea of having a house like that with Victor, being able to fill it with their life together. “Maybe we can convert it into something else.” Like an actual yoga studio. Or a safe room. They could use it for storage, for anything they had that they could not figure out a proper spot for yet.

“We can’t buy a house with a sex dungeon and not keep the sex dungeon.”

Yeah, it would feel wrong in a way but Yuuri also did not want to imagine what it would be like if word got out. He could see the headlines now, even worse than the ones he had imagined the morning of his first Cup of China program with Victor as his coach. “Just… just give me a bit to think about it.”

Yuuri knew Victor would not push him into it if he was not comfortable. Yet Yuuri could not deny that they had found their dream house. Maybe Makkachin would not like it—they had to have her approval too, after all.

They finished their dinner and Victor had started on the dishes when Yuuri’s phone chimed with a video call from Phichit. Good, actually, Yuuri could seek outside counsel. He picked up, greeting Phichit with a smile.

“Yuuri, are you buying a sex house?!”

Yuuri dropped his arm, shooting a glare at Victor. “You told him already?!”

“Chris told me!” Phichit replied from below, making Yuuri bring his phone back up to face level.

“Chris?” Yuuri questioned.

“I might have sent him the photos,” Victor admitted, smiling innocently. Yeah, right. Victor was far from innocent. Just like he had “innocently” flashed Yuuri his dick the day he had arrived at the onsen. Nope, Victor had calculated every second of that first encounter. And, as was apparent, it had worked out for him. Yuuri did have a ring on his finger.

“We’re not buying a sex house,” Yuuri hissed back, blush back on his cheeks. His skin was going to be permanently stained red by the time they closed escrow.

“Yuuri,” Victor whined from the sink, “I really want to buy the sex house.”

“I am not calling it _the sex house_!” If they got into that habit now, there would be some interview at some point after they moved and one, or both, of them was going to slip up and call it that on camera. Yuuri would never be able to invite his family there if that happened.

“Does the rest of the sex house look like that or is it just the one room?” Phichit asked.

“It’s just the one room,” Yuuri mumbled back, taking his phone and Phichit into the living room. Staying in the kitchen would mean engaging Victor further into the conversation, and the Phichit/Victor combination was always a cause for havoc.

“What’s the rest of it like?”

Yuuri told him. Told him about the utter perfection that the rest of “the sex house” was and how much Yuuri, in all honesty, really, really wanted it. Really, really, really wanted it. When Phichit asked why he was so hung up on a single room, Yuuri explained it. The world had a way of letting information leak and Yuuri did not want to deal with the crisis of managing rumors about his new home’s sex dungeon. He and Victor were married, and everyone knew they were married. Sex would be presumed, especially since he and Victor were not the best about keeping their public displays of affection down to a minimum. They tended to get carried away around each other; they couldn’t help it. Still, between that and all the online talk of “Victor’s foot thing,” Yuuri was not sure he wanted to know about the kinds of creative fiction tabloids would publish.

Phichit had always been good at helping Yuuri squash his worries. Namely with the point that Yuuri should not let a few potential short-term reactions spoil his opportunity to get what he thought was otherwise the perfect home. And he was right. Yuuri knew he was right. Victor called out to them from the kitchen, also telling Phichit he was right. By the end of it, Yuuri was laughing and nodding along. He hung up to Phichit shouting, “You better invite me to your sex house once you buy it!”

Yuuri did spam him with photos from the rest of the “non-sex rooms” after. The amount of shocked and dazed hamster stickers Phichit sent him back only added more fuel to the fire. Victor kept a smug smile on his face the rest of the night, up until Yuuri kissed it off him in bed.

In the morning, Yuuri woke up to Makkachin whining, Victor’s face hidden in his bicep as he muttered a plea to Yuuri, and his phone buzzing. Deciding which of the three to tend to first was like a quiz with no right answer. He kissed Victor’s forehead and shushed Makkachin, reassuring her that they could go out as soon as he grabbed his phone and glasses. Briefly, he thought about the house and the fact that the outdoor area was fenced off. They could install a doggie door for Makkachin and she could take herself out as needed, at least on their days off when they preferred to lounge a bit longer.

His promise to Makkachin turned out to be a lie. Because Yuuri could not count the amount of notifications on his phone, the buzzing coming from it incessant. He muted it but the buzzing did not stop, a moment passing before Yuuri realized Victor’s phone was being flooded as well.

As Yuuri blinked at the screen in his hand, a news alert popped up at the top of the notifications. _The Mainichi: Japan’s Top Skater Rumored to Buy New Russian Home with Unique Features._

Oh, god. Oh, no. He was still asleep, he was still dreaming. His imagination was running wild again. How did they find out so quickly?! Victor’s phone kept vibrating atop the nightstand on his side of the bed. Quickly weighing his options for best sources, Yuuri logged into the private Twitter account he used for all his Victor fanboy needs. He felt he was entitled to being able to remain a fan of his husband, though he did not need the public to know how embarrassingly big of a fan he was.

To Yuuri’s dismay, his timeline was filled with squealing excitement, memes, in-fighting about privacy violations and reposted photos of the very same sex dungeon. And all of it was linked back to Phichit’s Instagram. Because Phichit had uploaded the photos, with a non-too-cryptic caption of _My favorite couple is house-hunting and look what turned up_. Yuuri was going to go Tonya Harding on Phichit the next time he saw him.

Cautiously, he scrolled through the explosion of activity on Twitter.

_We all knew those two were into some kinky things. Who remembers the Eros tie grab?_

_I’d like to imagine that Victor Nikiforov would not stand for such tacky interior decorating._

_I expected something like this from Giacometti, but the fact that it is coming from the Katsuki-Nikiforov household is a pleasant surprise._

_We don’t know that a) this is real, and b) that he actually meant Victuuri. So everybody chill._

At the very least, Phichit had not posted photos of any of the other rooms and the realtor had told them that the house listing was not going to be made public. Plus, he had held back on the hashtags to give Victor and Yuuri plausible deniability… As if everyone did not know exactly whom he meant, with his self-proclaimed status as captain of the Victuuri ship fandom.

There were a number of Japanese television programs that liked doing features on celebrity houses. Yuuri would not be surprised to see a long-winded and formal keigo-written email already in his inbox inquiring of that very thing. Yuuri nudged at Victor’s ankles with his toes. “Victor…”

Victor’s silver lashes fluttered. Yuuri stuck the phone in front of his nose, watching those beautiful blue eyes sharpen into focus. Ten very long seconds passed, and Victor sat bolt upright. “He didn’t.”

“It’s Phichit, of course he did.” Boy could never resist those Instagram likes.

Turning, Victor snatched up his own phone, scrolling through the same few hundred notifications. “Yuuri, I’m so sorry. I didn’t—”

Yuuri cut his apology off by touching a finger to Victor’s lips. “What do yours say?”

“Lots of use of the words _allegedly_ and _reportedly_ and _hinted_ ,” Victor replied, flicking through the couple of articles from the more respectable organizations. “Yours?”

Yuuri glanced back down through the various fan accounts he followed. “The argument about who is the top and who is the bottom is back. Except now it includes debates about who is the dom and who is the sub.”

Victor laughed and cleared out all the notifications, silencing his phone to keep it from buzzing with more. “We can look for another house.”

“No.” Yuuri shook his head. He knew exactly why Phichit did it. So the rumor and press mill could happen now, meaning by the time they had formalized the purchase, it could all be old and uninteresting news. “I really like the sex house.”

“I thought you said we’re not supposed to call it that,” Victor said, his smile spreading.

“It’s out of the bag already,” Yuuri replied, shrugging his shoulders. “Though, if anyone official asks about it, we say we converted it into a yoga studio.”

“Hot yoga?” Victor questioned, tugging Yuuri to him.

“Very hot yoga,” Yuuri confirmed, leaning in to kiss Victor’s lips. “Now come on, out of bed. We’ve got a dog to walk and an offer to make.”

“On the sex house?”

“Yes, Vitusha. On the sex house.”


End file.
